In this battle between giving up and dreaming, I've been kicking myself in the balls (metaphorically) for about two days now. After talking to the ex a few days back and finding out who he's not as miserable as I wish he was. (Yeah, that sounds awful. Okay maybe I worded it wrong: after finding out he's doing better than I thought he was). He's gonna be attending his dream school: the Berklee school of music. That's awesome. Congrats. Just a few months ago we talked about how he'd no way in life afford the 200 grand or approximately whatever it costs to attend annually. His band just finished their first album, and judging from the news, they must be doing good.
It's not like other people's success undermines my own. I guess maybe it makes me reassess my success and where I am.
Not meaning to sound pompous: I could have gone to Stanford. If this guy can go to his dream school, why couldn't I go to mine? Because I didn't have the balls to, or the confidence to, mas bien. Maybe it makes things easier for him, as a citizen. But I've heard of other dreamers in great places, making it far. And this isn't to say I'm not. I got a full ride to a 4 year private Jesuit school. But it kinda eats at me three years too late thinking that I might have been there, on my way to med school if I had only applied. Especially after finding out an acquaintance was accepted to Stanford. One of those moments where it's like she got into Stanford?. I mean it's not like I'm discrediting her intelligence. It's just that she seemed the stereotypical latina on a bad road: doing shit behind her parents' back, bringing in guys into her house late at night, rebellious, and more into Banda Pachuco than AP History. I dunno. I'm being a complete asshole right now. Point being, I need to believe in myself a little more. I could've made it. And maybe (yeah this is going too far) I could've gotten a full ride there too. (I heard of a Guatemalan dreamer who made it to Stanford on a full ride, so yeah it's possible). But it's too late. Whatever. I'm here and I have to be thankful. I got everything paid for, what the hell am I bitching about?
Sorry guys. Apologies.It all spouted from resentment at the ex. Lesson learned: don't ask about how he's doing. Just wish him the best and move one. Whatever. He wants to be in a band. I want to work for the red cross or the united nations relief agency. Somehow I feel like I've got just a little more to contribute to the world. It's just hearing that he was well on his way to his dream hit me. It hit me hard. It was kind of like: What the hell am I doing with my dream? It's on hold for let's see how long. . .
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Hmm, talking to the ex is tricky business. I hate that mix of envy and resentment lurking in my mind when I hear about what friends are doing now.
ReplyDeleteAbout the traveling question, traveling by plane with a foreign passport is risky. TSA agents are not supposed to look at the visa page, but sometimes they do and then it's all over if they don't find one or find an expired. Traveling by bus or train might be a better option, it depends on your route and where you are going. I know ICE checks trains and buses up in Washington, in New York, and then there are temporary checkpoints in various places. There is one in San Clemente, down south, when you come back up north. Traveling is risky, but staying away from borders makes it safer.
Not trying to scare you, but it's better to be aware of these risks before making these decisions.
Hey Luisa, I'm part of DreamACTivist.org and we are trying to form a "Blogging Coalition." The idea for this coalition is to have all the blogs act upon news items and help with projects and campaigns by posting and getting the word out.
ReplyDeleteI looked around your blog, but I couldn't find an e-mail address. This is how we'll be connecting. I was wondering if it would be possible if you could e-mail it to me at maria@dreamactivist.org with your blog name and url so I don't get it all confused.
Thanks so much!
-Maria
hey. Great blog by the way. I completely get what you mean about the whole ex thing. Like Lu said, it's a bit tricky. I know i get annoyed when im in that spot. It makes you think about how you're doing and you're own potential. And also seeing others achieve things that you know you should be able to achieve when compared to your life before high school ended. But keep your head up, hopefully that all ends soon. Then we'll be free to truely show what we're made of with no barriers in the way.
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