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"You know what the number one cause of death is among people in their 20s?"
--Self Pity

Since I went 16 years without the bad news making a difference, I figured I'd continue living my life the same way. Not thinking about it. Waiting around to see if the DREAM Act gets passed, or to see if true love in the form of a raven-haired blue-eyed U.S. citizen comes along. I've never really thought of a plan B. And with less than two years till graduation, it becomes harder to think of a backup plan. In fact, I'm not even sure there is a plan in the first place. In the meantime the plan was just to graduate with a min 3.5 GPA. But that's not enough to stand out. And since I found out the truth, I've always felt like I've had to stand out even more than the rest to get noticed, to get a little credit, maybe a little slack. After all if I'm more hardworking, I'm not one of those "lazy illegals" that comes to mooch off the system. No, let me tell you, I'm a contribution to the damn system. So aside from a 3.5 I needed to get involved, get busy, a part-time job, an internship, something.

That's the ordeal. Who wants to hire me? Who'll take me in. I figured: LA RAZA. So I start contacting Spanish media (since my career goal is to be an international correspondent in Latin America, one day. . . that day seems farther away than reality sometimes). They know the situation right? I get a short-lived gig with LA ALIANZA NEWS (Good stuff, I get a few pieces published). But I need something more, I want something that'll keep me busy. And I thought I had it made when I hounded Celina Rodriguez for 4 months. First day we met she tells me: all right you can start by gathering weather reports and reading them on air. Air Time! On my first day?! Lady, I don't know anything about the radio. But I was excited, all right, now I'm plunging in, now I'll learn something. But it's become five weeks of "reporting weather on-air" via my phone in my room an hour away from the actual radio station. Yeah my voice gets broadcast; yeah people hear me and few have recognized me. But I know nothing about radio journalism. Nothing. And it isn't her fault she's ultra busy. And that's when I think, I wouldn't mind driving to San Francisco just so I could learn a few things. Oh wait, no license. Fuckin-A. I'm a bad driver as it is. But no license, that just really kills things. Because, really, that's the only thing holding me back from heading to San Francisco at 4:20 am to witness the live production of her radio show. The only thing. I'm willing to sleep 4 hours. I'm willing to spend 2 hours on the road. But I wouldn't risk it. Not with my current driving skills anyway. She said the station would move to San Jose. Soon. That was a 5 weeks ago soon. And so I look back on it, and 5 weeks of mumbling numbers and conditions over the phone, boy do I really feel accomplished. Way to stand out.

Junior year. No real experience(not to my standards, anyway). What the hell am I doing? Where am I going? What am I gonna do?

I didn't care about the money, I just wanted to "beef up my resume." Yeah but it's starting to take a toll now. I wanna stay in the Bay Area this summer to scout for more opportunities, but that means paying rent somewhere, which translates into money. And from whence shall this money come from? I don't know, I just don't know. For now I take some consolation in making sad whale sounds and bawling. Tomorrow, who knows?