So it's almost been two months since I stopped by and typed anything. The truth is 1. I got so busy 2. Even though excuse #1 sucks I began thinking about what I could possibly write that anybody could care to read about. It's not as if I have anything to say. Despite my half-assed attempts to become a journalist, I don't consider myself a writer. Sometimes I feel like I have nothing meaningful nor provocative to say. I'm more of an internal processor. I keep thinks to myself too.
If there haven't been enough clues, I struggle with bouts of depression. I'm really not writing this to earn pity or sympathy from anyone. I'm trying to draw it out physically in front of myself so I can make sense of why I'm so fuckin ungrateful sometimes. Last year I started wondering whether medication would be the answer. But I usually don't even take tylenol for a headache and I didn't want to give in to something I was certain I could overcome mentally. Clearly I have a lot of mental work to do.
Today is indeed a bad day, a trough day. I don't know why. Even though, yeah, it's stress period with dead week and finals (it's not the first time, this is my third year. I'm pretty used to it). I dunno. I just kind of fell in a slum. Wishing there was something to be happy about, something to be excited about.
I don't know yet but there's an 80 percent chance that I'm interning with Telemundo this summer. I'm gonna confirm this tomorrow for sure. (scratch that, I feel like it's a 60 percent). I mean I toured the studio with the person who'd be my supervisor and she introduced me to everyone as "our summer intern," and then she asked me what hours I would be available. So I figured it's in the bag. But the realist/pessimist in me doesn't want to count on it. That's something to be excited about I guess. I'll be studying in Washington DC next semester (as abroad as I can go. Though the family is freaked about me flying). I'll be taking night classes and interning at either a news source company, with lobbyists, a think tank, or for an interest group. The East Coast. I've never been there. Boston. Philadelphia. New York. That's something to be excited about. So then what the hell's wrong?
I don't know. I really don't know. I don't want to be stupid and attribute it to the "fulana is now in a relationship with sutano" announcement on facebook, even though deep down it's a spine in my side. Remember the best friend who wasn't talking to me? Yeah she avoided me cus she didn't want to tell me she was dating the guy I told her I had crushed on during the Arizona trip. The guy she told me "was really nice, really cute, not my type, but a nice guy. You deserve a nice guy. Go for it." Funny. I felt we hit it off pretty well in AZ. We were in the same Spanish class coming back. I was excited. Maybe there was a chance. Yeah well I thought wrong. Explains why you avoid me for the next five weeks after I find out from third parties and facebook of all fuckin venues that you guys are dating. Thanks for the heads up. Thanks for telling him about our tensions and telling him I was crushing on him too. Now the guy thinks I'm a bitch cus I'm not talking to my "best friend" cus she nabbed the guy I had my heart set on. Not true. Mijo, no eres el unico. Things were weird before you came along. You were just the litmus test.
It happened a month and a half ago. I should be over it right? I try. I'm over the guy. I don't like him. He doesn't talk to me AT ALL anymore, despite us having the same Spanish class. Life goes on. And it does. The same boring uneventful life. I don't know what I'm waiting for. Something exciting like I've mentioned probably 1,834 times. And the worst feeling is that I know I should be grateful but for some unfortunate reason I can't get myself to feel better. Knowing very well that people are dying in the Sudan, Sri Lanka, Israel, and all the other shit that goes on in the world. But I can't lift the damn spirits.
Step 1. Call Telemundo tomorrow and confirm.
Step 2. Finish final projects and papers
Step 3. I usually don't think that far ahead. I'll figure this out after I call Telemundo. I'm sure once a get an affirmative answer (if indeed I do) the spirits will be a little brighter.